I want to have an AFFAIR so I don't leave my sexless marriage

DEAR JANE: I want to have an AFFAIR so I don’t leave my sexless marriage

  • In this week’s agony aunt column, best-selling author Jane Green is asked to give advice to a woman whose husband has no interest in sex 
  • She also shares some wisdom with a woman who fears her 79-year-old father is being taken advantage of by a gold-digging girlfriend 
  • Do you have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or ask it below
  • READ MORE: My friend’s sociopathic husband SPIES on her with cameras

Dear Jane,

I have been married now for seven years and I love my husband very much. We have a very comfortable and happy relationship, however as our marriage has evolved, our sex life has dwindled and is virtually now non-existent. 

Initially this was not for lack of trying on my part, but my husband’s libido seems to have totally vanished and in the end I just gave up.

We’ve spoken about it and he said that sex just isn’t something he prioritizes anymore, which I understand. 

The thing is, sex is a big priority for me. I crave physical passion with another person and while I’ve tried taking care of my own desires, it’s just not cutting it anymore – and I feel like the only way I’m going to be able to remain in my marriage is to find another person, or persons, to satisfy that urge.

Dear Jane, my husband is no longer interested in sex – so I want to have an affair in the hopes that it will save my marriage 

I’ve started looking around on dating websites for people that might be interested in this kind of arrangement and I’ve found dozens of suitable ‘candidates’ if you will… 

However my husband has always had very strict views about the importance of monogamy and I’m not sure how to even begin talking to him about this. 

I know that it’s the only way I can save my marriage – which I really want to do – but then bringing up my idea could destroy my relationship altogether.

Any suggestions?


Sexless in Seattle

Dear Sexless in Seattle,

There are many kinds of marriages that work without a sexual life being a priority, but in order for that to happen, you both have to be on the same page, which you clearly are not. 

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

You say you love your husband very much and that your relationship is happy and comfortable, but the fact that you have this huge issue, and that you haven’t been able to communicate properly about it, tells me that there are bigger problems at work here that need to be addressed.

I can feel your pain and loneliness, and it occurs to me that your husband may very well be feeling the same loneliness, albeit for different reasons. 

A low libido can be caused by a myriad of factors, from hormone issues, to medical conditions, to low self-esteem and unresolved trauma. Either way, if you are to stay married, the two of you have to come together and deal with this as a unit.

Ask him what he thinks might be going on for him with his lack of libido, whether he would be willing to see a doctor to check for underlying health issues, or indeed a therapist. If he brushes it off, you need to be clear on how this is impacting you, and that you have to find a solution together.

Looking for sexual partners outside of the marriage, however, without your husband’s knowledge or consent, is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. 

While for you it may simply feel like it is satisfying a physical urge, these kinds of secrets are the ultimate betrayal. 

However much you may try to explain that you are merely satisfying a physical urge, not discussing this option with him – and in fact going ahead without his agreement – is likely to blow this marriage up in ways that will be painful and irrevocable. 

Consensual or ethical non-monogamy however, which is increasingly common in same-sex relationships, may be an option for the two of you. Should you go down this route, you would both need to agree, and clear boundaries would need to be established, preferably with the help of a therapist.

Despite those options, it may be that the two of you come to a decision that this marriage will not work without a regular sex life. 

Whatever decision you reach, it has to be reached together. I wish you luck.

Dear Jane,

My father is 79 years old and widowed. However he recently met a ‘friend’ who I cannot stand. She’s a cockroach. 

She doesn’t pay for anything, makes him drive her everywhere – even when she’s bar hopping – and always insists that he take her out to nice drinks and dinner, without ever offering to pick up the check. 

He’s on a fixed income and I’m worried that this is going to drain his finances completely.

I’ve shared my concerns with him but he refuses to stop seeing her. He always just asks why I don’t want him to be happy – which isn’t the case at all! I just don’t understand why she can’t pay for anything? Everything in their relationship is about what he can do for her rather than a healthy balance.

Please tell me what else I can do here because I’m starting to get really angry with him.


Daughter In Despair

Dear Daughter In Despair,

I’m glad your father has found someone to alleviate his loneliness, but I recognize how troubling this is for you, given his age. 

Dear Jane’s Sunday Service 

Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship, but communication is. 

Relationships fall apart not because of a lack of sex, although that can be a contributing factor, but because that lack of intimacy is often a signifier of something much bigger. 

Communicating openly, and having a willingness to work together to find a path that works for all concerned, is the path to contentment.

It is so easy for the elderly to be taken advantage of, particularly when loneliness is factored into this mix.

You don’t say whether you have spent time with this woman, only that you are aware she doesn’t pay for anything. 

My first piece of advice is to get to know her, which I suspect will help with a more circumspect view of the situation. 

Your 79-year-old father is being courtly, paying for drinks and dinner just as he probably did with your mother when they were young. 

Right now, this doesn’t seem unduly worrying, but I understand you wanting to prevent him being taken advantage of.

Sit your father down and explain first that you are delighted he has found a companion, someone who enjoys his company. 

Perhaps you are being over-protective, but want to ensure he is living within his means. Ask if you can go over his income and expenses, and sign him up for online banking so you can keep tabs.

I would also suggest going to see an Elder Care Attorney. 

Setting up a living trust is one way of ensuring that no-one else can get their hands on his money, but an attorney can advise on the best way of ensuring your father is not persuaded to spend all his money on a woman who may or may not be taking advantage.

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