Colbert Says Undecided Voters Are 'Mentally Impaired Unicorns' (Video)

“At this point I truly do not know what could sway undecided voters,” Colbert said on Monday’s episode of “The Late Show”

The 2020 presidential election is as contentious as any in American history, but there are still some undecided voters out there. This is a fact that Stephen Colbert finds pretty hard to believe, and during his “Late Show” monologue on Wednesday he mocked those folks for being unable to make up their mind even after Tuesday’s debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump.

“It’s hard to watch any of this and believe anyone could still be out there undecided, but evidently they are,” Colbert said a couple minutes into his monologue as he discussed the debate. “Because last night there was a focus group of these mentally impaired unicorns organized by Republican pollster and guy drunk dialing Batman, Frank Luntz. Luntz — hi, Frank — gathered 15 undecideds to respond to the debate over Zoom.

“Oh, please, please can we do the next debate over Zoom, Mr. President? ‘I’m putting you on mute. No, don’t share your screen, sir. Your tabs aren’t safe for work!’”

“The Late Show” then played a clip of Luntz asking each of them to describe what Trump was like during the debate. The four responses that “The Late Show” showed were “horrid,” “chaotic,” “unpolished” and “crackhead.”

“Crackhead? How dare you malign the good name of crackheads?” Colbert quipped. “Unlike Donald Trump, crackheads have a clear policy: ‘give me some crack’.”

Colbert then marveled at a peculiar phenomenon: even though everyone found Trump extremely unlikable, they still couldn’t figure out their vote.

Jennifer, in a clip: “Oh, I am definitely undecided. I have no clue who I’m gonna vote for. I don’t know who’s going to get my vote. I want to see another debate.”

Colbert found this to be a pretty bizarre response.

“What? At this point I truly do not know what could sway undecided voters,” he complained. “‘Well, the one guy makes me embarrassed to live in my country, but the other guy is sleepy according to the first guy, who again is a total psychopath. So it’s a coin toss.’”

Next up was “Rob from Iowa”:”That was embarrassing. I personally would — it’s a dartboard for me right now who’s going to win it.”

“Really?” Colbert replied, increasingly incredulous. “Because watching Trump, my reaction was less dartboard and more tranq dart.”

But as he got to the end of this thread, Colbert said that “one focus group member did stand out from the rest by delivering a clear, concise opinion of the President.” That would be “Luke from Wisconsin.”

“Trump is annoying. He’s unpresidential and he’s annoying and it’s like nails on a chalkboard,” Luke said in the clip.

“Yes, finally, thank you, Luke. You’re living proof that undecided voters are capable of seeing the light and eventually–” Colbert said before being cut off by the clip of Luke resuming.

Luke: “But him acting that way doesn’t necessarily impact my bottom line.”

You can watch the monologue from Wednesday night’s episode of “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” in the video embedded in this article.

'SNL': The 15 Best Sketches From Season 45 (Photos)

  • The 45th season of “Saturday Night Live” was a landmark achievement in more ways than one. Not only did the long-running sketch series see the long-awaited return of Eddie Murphy to Studio 8H, but the show had to contend with the coronavirus pandemic that forced the cast out of 30 Rock and into their homes. Luckily for us, that did not stop the show from producing new episodes. Here are the top sketches, in no particular order, from this season.

  • Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood 2019:  Eddie Murphy hosted for the first time since the mid-1980s and he brought back all of his classic characters. Among them was Mr. Robinson, who showed up to teach boys and girls about the blight of gentrification. “I was gone for a bit but now I’m alright. My neighbors were all black but now they white.” We missed you, Eddie. Watch it here.

  • Debbie Downer Wedding Reception: In the final live episode before “SNL” went home during the coronavirus, Rachel Dratch brought back Debbie Downer to remind us all (correctly, it turns out) of what was in store for us. Watch it here.

  • Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open: One of many cold opens featuring Alec Baldwin’s Trump, this one that takes us all back to the better days: When the president was being impeached. This imagines the trial most people wished had happened. Watch it here. 

  • Grouch: We knew “Sesame Street’s” move to HBO could make it edgier but a “Joker”-style origin story for Oscar the Grouch took a bit too far. Watch it here. 

  • Airport Sushi: John Mulaney completes the trilogy we never knew we needed by following up “Diner Lobster” and “Bodega Bathroom” with “Airport Sushi.” Watch it here. 

  • Uncle Meme: Always talk to your children about the dangers of irresponsible memes. Watch it here.

  • Family Charades: RuPaul made his “SNL” hosting debut with this sketch about a family that really does not understand the rules of Charades. Watch it here.

  • Robbie: Let’s be honest, this is how “Rudy” would have turned out in real life. J.J. Watt just had to be the one to say it. Watch it here.

  • Undercover Boss: Where Are They Now (With Kylo Ren): Matt the Radar Technician is now “Randy the Entry Level Intern” in this follow-up to see if Kylo Ren really has made The First Order a more work-friendly place to be. Watch it here.

  • Party Song: Will Ferrell returned for his fifth time hosting and plays an AP English Teacher who is going through a rough spot in his marriage. Watch it here.

  • Mid-Day News: A midday news report about crime devolves into the most hilariously tone-deaf competition ever. Watch it here.

  • Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open: Dr. Fauci probably isn’t happy about many things these days, but he got his wish when Brad Pitt played the country’s top infectious disease expert to kick off “SNL’s” second “At Home” edition. Watch it here.

  • Zoom Call: Too real, “SNL.” Just way too real. Watch it here.  

  • Sport Report: After two months of quarantine, we all probably would tune into “Popcorn Pop Off.” If this seems too unbelievable, we remind you that ESPN actually aired people playing H-O-R-S-E. Watch it here.

  • Dreams: “SNL” sent off its season on a more somber, yet hopeful note: Reminding us all about the world that used to be before the pandemic. We hope to see it again. Watch it here.

From Eddie Murphy’s return to quarantined episodes, 45th edition of late night sketch series won’t be forgotten

The 45th season of “Saturday Night Live” was a landmark achievement in more ways than one. Not only did the long-running sketch series see the long-awaited return of Eddie Murphy to Studio 8H, but the show had to contend with the coronavirus pandemic that forced the cast out of 30 Rock and into their homes. Luckily for us, that did not stop the show from producing new episodes. Here are the top sketches, in no particular order, from this season.

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