I found my husband's secret dating profiles – how am I meant to trust him?
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T stand the sight of my husband after I discovered his online dating profiles.
After 35 years together, I thought our marriage was solid. Never once has he suggested he’s unhappy.
But a poorly hidden second phone revealed he’s on at least four different dating sites. He’s 58, I’m 56.
I was putting away his washing when I found an iPhone at the back of his sock drawer.
At first I thought it might be an old one he was holding on to, just in case.
But my gut told me to find out what was on it. I turned it on and guessed the password on the first try — the fool had the same passcode on both his phones.
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There was very little there — no contacts or pictures — except for numerous dating apps.
I opened the first and clicked on his profile. There was a handsome picture of him, followed by a list of lies — that he was single, 46, a plumber and a divorced dad of two.
On another, there was a message from a woman. I opened it and found disgusting 50 Shades Of Grey types of text.
He wanted to spank her all over, while she “couldn’t wait” to give him oral sex in various public locations.
I presented the phone to him as he walked in the door from work, and he looked horrified. He burst into tears, and just kept apologising.
He even tried to convince me he had never met any of these women in person, but there wasn’t a chance I was going to believe that.
That was six months ago, and I still can’t look him in the eye.
I’ve asked him again and again why he made these accounts, but I never get an answer — just another 50 shades of apologies.
Sorry isn’t good enough. I don’t know where to go from here and it’s tearing me apart.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are right – an apology is a good place to start but now your husband really needs to start talking, honestly.
Unless he can explain why he cheated, you won’t be able to rebuild the trust.
But although he is the one who strayed, you’ll have more chance of saving your marriage if you can accept what was wrong in your relationship.
He needs to do the same because, while he may not want to admit it, there was something missing for him.
I’m sending you my support pack Can You Get Over Cheating? which you both should read.
Some couple counselling from Relate (relate.org.uk) may help – whether you decide to stay together or separate.
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